Olympia Theatre, Lynn, Mass.

Olympia Theatre, Lynn, Mass.
Originally uploaded by jovike.

I've had these ten postcards of Lynn, Mass. since I was a child. Would anyone care to estimate when these pictures were taken?

Starring at the theatre was George Primrose, the minstrel, and the Chinese Restaurant was offering Soldier Boy Kisses Fresh Every Hour. A poster on the side of the theatre says "Do your bit for Old Glory - M.N.G needs men NOW"

You are reminded that...

If a notice is to be stuck to a wall or window at your place of business, then you must follow these rules:

Enhance visual amenities by using a whole sheet of A4. Do not think about rotating the text or cutting the paper down to size.

Obviously, do not write the notice by hand, no matter how neat your copperplate. This is far too human and friendly.

Select a grotesque font, preferably one of Microsoft's bastardizations of a classic typeface. These really stand out. Do not try to improve the kerning or line spacing. Don't even think about using a non-Windows system that can actually do fonts, especially if the notice is to remain on display for years.

Layout: do not use layout. Use UPPER CASE throughout and justify the right edge of the text: that'll slow down those speed-readers!

Impress everyone by employing a self-important tone wherever possible. An unnecessary heading like "Important Message" or "Polite Warning", instead of the actual message or warning, is a good start.

Be Indirect. Useful gambits here are "It has been brought to our attention" or, if this is something new to everyone: "Staff are reminded that" or "As you are all already aware"... Note the passive tense which is ideal for pomposity.

Include at least one misspelling (say 'hazzard' instead of hazard) and miss out word, also repeat the word 'the' at the end of one line and the start of the next. Changing word order randomly can also make that distracting green underlining by the grammar checker go away.

Grammar. Everyone knows what you are trying to say, so you don't need to actually say it. Skill is usually needed to write something with the opposite meaning to what is intended, but combining the points below should achieve this:

• Neologism: say 'dissolvable' instead of soluble, and always say 'orientate' instead of orient. Ignore the dictionary and be creative.
• Tautology: Always add 'back' to words like return or revert in order to reverse their meaning and annoy pedants. Similarly, use 'at this moment in time' instead of 'now' and so on...... And don't forget that the more dots you use, the stronger the ellipsis. Add 'alternatively' to 'or'. (You know that you can only have one alternative, but your readership probably wouldn't.)
• Be poetic: Affect the vocabulary of a bygone age by saying 'whilst' instead of while: this is compulsory because while you would never say 'whilst' out loud, it is absolutely fine for notices and e-mail to use fancy ten-dollar words.
• Be vague: for instance don't ask for something specific to be kept in a certain state, say 'the facilities' must be 'left in a tidy manner'. This literally would instruct your readers to dance out of the room a la Fred Astaire and Cyd Charisse rather than leave the room in the condition that they would like to find it in, thus excusing you from obeying your own notice.
• Mix tenses. The passive is to be favoured, but abruptly using the present or pluperfect will really make some people pay attention.
• Be emphatic. If some words do not seem to stand out on a first read through, underline them. Also if you did stick with lower case, then capitalize phrases such as "All Staff Must Comply". Also say they should adhere to this procedure, although not literally, obviously, ha ha.
• Use buzzwords. If there is a business aspect to your notice, you must include the phrase "going forward" to leave everyone with a really positive feeling.
• Be cliched. You ought to include words like 'hopefully' at random points, preferably while simultaneously splitting a verb.

Use more syllables. Longer words convey more power to a message.

Be redundant. Say what some new equipment is not intended for.

Be loyal to FHM. Affect the house style of a cheap bloke's periodical by ending all -ize words with -ise.

Be covert. Don't let this task get delegated to a senior manager, or some clever junior who may dilute or simplify your message.

Finish well. Multicoloured clip-art borders can be really pretty.

If you get on a roll and manage to do most of the above, consider getting your sheet of A4 laminated.

Video Set?

Doctor Who is back tonight. Hope you have your videos set! I think I have.

I'm just old enough to have seen all the episodes, except for a few when I was on holiday bacause in days of yore the season was much longer. I hope this new effort is at least as good as the recent Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) which I quite liked.

I'm resigned to there being no regeneration scene, Ace disappearing without explanation (she got turned into a Cat Person in the last episode), and doing a complete story in 45 minutes probably makes sense for America where they have even more ad breaks than we do, but an hour or ninety minutes would be better, or maybe having several production teams to make enough new Who to show it 24 hours a day or perhaps wire it directly into my brain...

Everyone is talking about their favourite Doctor Who eras, so here's mine: Patrick Troughton; T. Baker; Hartnell; Pertwee; Davison; C. Baker; McCoy; McGann.

Ah, England, without Doctor Who to hurry home in time to watch on a Saturday evening? Impossible!

Blunketty-Blunk

They had that Blunkett on the Frost programme this morning. He seemed quite human, as if he has calmed down since his resignation. He now wants to "let people get on with their private lives" and "not lose my faith and trust in people". Strangely warm sentiments from someone who wanted to reintroduce ID cards in this country.

Meaning of Life

My To Do List is a thick wad of folded papers, this week in my bag, last week in my jacket pocket. In my mind the tatters are strewn in a line along the remote corridor of an abandoned asylum.

Most of the sheets contain really important things I have to do, like: clear two rooms of clutter, dig a pond, cancel my contact lens supply and even more paperwork like changing mortgage repayments, among interesting links for this weblog. The links' currency is devalued monthly -- but they will soon disgorge into your browser as three large posts I am working on -- and the physical clutter in the two rooms has a depressing effect because I heard from feng shui adherents that that is the effect it is supposed to have, whereas, in fact, fifteen-year-old copies of New Scientist are a joy for many reasons even if I do have thousands of similar items to wade through: to clip some art for Flickr or some future design; to read about the dreams we had before the latest bunch of politicians bollocksed it all up again -- I call this 'perspective'; most importantly just reading outside the narrow agenda of 2005.

But clearing the decks at my level of discrimination and information gathering and organization will take years and is frankly not worth it, even though a clever and balanced John Keogh may emerge who could clear the room at parties. Doing important things like getting the roof fixed or converting the attic (all happening next week!) is worth it and so is learning Dreamweaver even though I prefer to use a text editor, so I can be a webmaster if I grow up because that is what the industry demands. Unfortunately prevarication and procrastination are the order of the day here: did I really need to spend a whole day (last Wednesday) downloading large pictures of obscure 1970s album covers to merge with my music files in anticipation of getting an iPod photo? Well, I enjoyed it!

I've started reading again, unknowingly prompted by my old mate Fresco who has a third book published -- as editor this time -- which made me realize I hadn't finished his last book which was elevating my alarm clock. I really ought to review it now: damn, another item for the list. Oh yes, and I ought to start writing again, I used to be quite good at that.

Anyways, before I knew it I, last month I also polished off a Poul Anderson, a Mat Coward (Hi, Mac Howard!!) and I am now reading a Stephen Laws.

I made three mistakes with the Laws: firstly when I bought it from New Worlds (downstairs at Murder One in the Charing Cross Road) it wasn't as cheap as I thought it would be given that they are closing down the sf department when they move to new premises over the road (yes, another blow to literacy, only the fifty-ninth in my lifetime, but what is Maxim Jakubowski up to? There remain two other shops in London where you can buy new sf hardbacks but I won't tell you where they are in case they get closed down too. Any road up) but I bought it anyway. Secondly, the book wasn't in the 'Used Sale' although you could see that some lunatic had scored the back cover with hundreds of lines by using it as a base for some craft project or perhaps ritual pentagram drawing. (Craft - that'll keep'em off the streets. Nice one, John Lewis. They've got a whole department for that sort of thing, you see.) Yes, a horror novel handed down from some authentic nutter! But when the clerk queried whether the book was used, I said no, solely because I found it in a rack of new books. I'm too honest, me. Mad, more like. Thirdly, I had noticed two Stephen Laws books there and I selected the one called Spectre, even though the other volume looked newer and more collectible, albeit slimmer. Now I am a few chapters in, I find that I did not buy a new work: I have this title at home in a different edition and I read it in 1986. What am I about.

About 12 stone, that's what, the heaviest I have ever been. I'm eating healthy food but too much of it probably, not drinking enough water and not exercising enough. Python's Meaning of Life ended like this. I ought to phone my Mum more too.