You are reminded that...

If a notice is to be stuck to a wall or window at your place of business, then you must follow these rules:

Enhance visual amenities by using a whole sheet of A4. Do not think about rotating the text or cutting the paper down to size.

Obviously, do not write the notice by hand, no matter how neat your copperplate. This is far too human and friendly.

Select a grotesque font, preferably one of Microsoft's bastardizations of a classic typeface. These really stand out. Do not try to improve the kerning or line spacing. Don't even think about using a non-Windows system that can actually do fonts, especially if the notice is to remain on display for years.

Layout: do not use layout. Use UPPER CASE throughout and justify the right edge of the text: that'll slow down those speed-readers!

Impress everyone by employing a self-important tone wherever possible. An unnecessary heading like "Important Message" or "Polite Warning", instead of the actual message or warning, is a good start.

Be Indirect. Useful gambits here are "It has been brought to our attention" or, if this is something new to everyone: "Staff are reminded that" or "As you are all already aware"... Note the passive tense which is ideal for pomposity.

Include at least one misspelling (say 'hazzard' instead of hazard) and miss out word, also repeat the word 'the' at the end of one line and the start of the next. Changing word order randomly can also make that distracting green underlining by the grammar checker go away.

Grammar. Everyone knows what you are trying to say, so you don't need to actually say it. Skill is usually needed to write something with the opposite meaning to what is intended, but combining the points below should achieve this:

• Neologism: say 'dissolvable' instead of soluble, and always say 'orientate' instead of orient. Ignore the dictionary and be creative.
• Tautology: Always add 'back' to words like return or revert in order to reverse their meaning and annoy pedants. Similarly, use 'at this moment in time' instead of 'now' and so on...... And don't forget that the more dots you use, the stronger the ellipsis. Add 'alternatively' to 'or'. (You know that you can only have one alternative, but your readership probably wouldn't.)
• Be poetic: Affect the vocabulary of a bygone age by saying 'whilst' instead of while: this is compulsory because while you would never say 'whilst' out loud, it is absolutely fine for notices and e-mail to use fancy ten-dollar words.
• Be vague: for instance don't ask for something specific to be kept in a certain state, say 'the facilities' must be 'left in a tidy manner'. This literally would instruct your readers to dance out of the room a la Fred Astaire and Cyd Charisse rather than leave the room in the condition that they would like to find it in, thus excusing you from obeying your own notice.
• Mix tenses. The passive is to be favoured, but abruptly using the present or pluperfect will really make some people pay attention.
• Be emphatic. If some words do not seem to stand out on a first read through, underline them. Also if you did stick with lower case, then capitalize phrases such as "All Staff Must Comply". Also say they should adhere to this procedure, although not literally, obviously, ha ha.
• Use buzzwords. If there is a business aspect to your notice, you must include the phrase "going forward" to leave everyone with a really positive feeling.
• Be cliched. You ought to include words like 'hopefully' at random points, preferably while simultaneously splitting a verb.

Use more syllables. Longer words convey more power to a message.

Be redundant. Say what some new equipment is not intended for.

Be loyal to FHM. Affect the house style of a cheap bloke's periodical by ending all -ize words with -ise.

Be covert. Don't let this task get delegated to a senior manager, or some clever junior who may dilute or simplify your message.

Finish well. Multicoloured clip-art borders can be really pretty.

If you get on a roll and manage to do most of the above, consider getting your sheet of A4 laminated.